He is rezzin’!

No doubt you have heard the joyful tidings of the Second Coming of Our Lord Philip Linden. Naturally, the First Church of Rosedale had to celebrate this momentous occasion. I think it was our best service ever.

Below is a partial transcript of my side of things, including the sermon. I can assure you it was much better with the contributions of the rest of the congregation. (I neglected to get permission to post them. I also neglected to take photos. Oops.)


Greetings, brothers and sisters in Phil!

I am pleased to share this glorious occasion with you!

Our Lord is BACK! He has RETURNED! He is REZZIN’!

Rejoice, heavenly choirs of Lindens!
Rejoice, all Residents around Philip’s throne!

Philip Linden, our King, is rezzin’!
Sound the trumpet of salvation…
…in ten-second chunks that ideally ought to be cached first and then you need to hope they’ll play in the right order…
So, better yet, play the media stream of salvation!

Rejoice, O grid, in Windlight splendor,
Radiant in the brightness of full glow.

Phil has conquered! Glory fills you!
Grey goo vanishes forever.

Yayzerama! Yayzerama!


A Hymn for M Linden (to the tune of “My Boyfriend’s Back”):

My Philip’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back
When you see Him comin’ better cut out on the double
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back

You’ve been messin’ up, so He’s gonna rescind ya
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back
He’s gonna make you pay for opening Zindra
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back

Aaaaand He knows what you’ve been doin’
Aaaaand He knows what you’ve been… up to!

My Philip’s back and He’s gonna save the grid now
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back
If I were you, I’d go and try to be hid now
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back

You’re gonna be sorry you were so uncouth
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back
When He’s done with you, you’re gonna look like Ruth
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back

Aaaaand He knows your ways are feudal
Aaaaand He’s seen most every doodle

What makes you think He’d put up with your strife
You thought you were big, now He’ll end your Second Life
Wait and see!

My Philip’s back and He’s the way to salvation
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back
You’re out of luck, you’ve got an early termination
Hey la, hey la, Our Lord is back

La-de-la, Our Lord is back!


It should be noted that while Our Lord Philip has returned to active leadership of the grid, M Linden has joined the choir invisible.

Now, some might point out that M was chosen by Our Lord Himself, and brought here to perform a specific job.

Some might point out that M was actually pretty effective at carrying out that job.

Some might even say that what’s happened in the past couple of years isn’t M’s fault at all, but the fault of those who brought him here in the first place.

I say unto you: let not logic lead you astray. Those people are heretics.

Philip is the Light and the Way!

The Alpha and the Omega!

The Ruth and the Cloud!

He has never done anything wrong.

Ever.

To help illustrate this, I’ve prepared a short presentation…

Second Life entered private beta in late 2002, and opened to the public in 2003. We’ve just passed its seventh birthday.

From 2003 through May of 2008, Second Life was perfect. Utterly perfect.

(Don’t believe anything else you might have heard. They’re just liberal-Commie-augmentationist lies.)

And then M Linden came along and ruined everything.

It’s true! It’s scientific! I mean, I have a timeline and everything.

Let’s list just a few of the many ways he went wrong, shall we?

Once upon a time, Second Life encouraged the use of its trademarks, under certain conditions. With that understanding, the Second Life in Education Wiki was established, and indeed, encouraged by Linden Lab.

In October 2009, just days after officially registering the “Second Life” trademark, M Linden sent the educators a Cease and Desist notice.

One might note that the trademark would have been upheld just as well had M officially granted them permission to use it, and asked them to say so.

But that would have been too easy.

The educators changed their name and URL. They also set up an outpost on Reaction Grid and started actively looking at other virtual worlds.

Fortunately, Second Life was actively pursuing educational markets. This left them in no danger of the pursuit ending too soon.

June 2009. The Rapture.

M Linden uprooted our church from its prime hilltop location overlooking Phasma and brought it to Zindra.

In practice, this involved Brieanne camping out here for days and dealing with bureaucratic foulups to make sure the transfer went smoothly.

At any rate, hundreds of SL establishments had to leave their homes — in some cases, homes they’d been in for years — and find new ones.

In 2008, M Linden eased the restrictions on OpenSpace sims, and effectively encouraged their use for darn near anything.

Having ensured that the land barons could hardly give away regular sims, and had to convert them all to OpenSpaces, he then jacked up the tier on OpenSpace sims by two-thirds.

And then he suspended Sarah Nerd for saying what everybody else was thinking.

In March 2008, a mere two months before he took office, M Linden changed Second Life’s trademark policies, but we covered the effects of that earlier, with the educational website, so let’s move on.

In December 2007, in an act of breathtaking shortsightedness, M Linden fired Cory Linden, Chief Technology Officer and father of LSL.

To quote from M’s letter at the time: “Cory and I have differences in how we think Linden should be run, differences that in the past few months have become irreconcilable…

“I strongly believe that this is the right decision, although not without pain, for both LL and Cory.

“Of course, I’m not going to go into the details of these differences. This is one of those times when, in having me as your leader, you will also have to trust me in my decision.”

In May 2007, M Linden ignored anything resembling due process in retroactively imposing restrictions on sexual ageplay.

If such a policy were imposed, the normal way of doing so would be to say “from this date forward, you can’t do this.”

Instead, after years of policies to the effect that consenting adults in Second Life could roleplay any way they pleased, M Linden established that two such avatars were in fact a 54-year-old man and a 27-year-old woman, immediately banned them, and then informed everybody else that they had to cut it out as well.

In fact, he established a policy of banning anything “Broadly Offensive,” which still messily applies today.

In October 2006, M Linden stood by as the grid was brought down by hackers using “gray goo” attacks…

…but this list is getting long and tedious.

I won’t belabor you with reminders of how M Linden gave some land barons advance notice of price hikes in late 2006, co-opted the currency exchange, killed the First Land program, and had to be forced to revoke the prim tax.

Not to mention his long record of running the company so loosely that hardly anything got done, leading to Residents holding their breaths and hoping the grid would still be there after every Update Wednesday.

The point should be clear: M Linden ruined everything.

Thank heavens Philip is back.


Postscript: If you’re as observant as my parishioners were, you will have noticed something very odd.

Specifically, you will have noticed that M Linden is so diabolical that he messed with the slides.

And not just my slides, I hasten to add. If you follow some of the later links above, you’ll find yourself looking at posts from what appears to be an alternate universe.

The conclusion is clear: M Linden is a time traveller.

Once you realize that — and it’s clearly the only tenable conclusion — one quickly realizes that every bad decision ever made in Linden Lab’s history was part of M’s diabolical plot. And the same goes for every bad decision in Linden Lab’s future.

My congregants also noted the possibility that he can also change his form, perhaps (sacrilegiously) taking on the appearance of Our Lord Philip.

How then can you tell whether Our Lord’s upcoming edicts are genuine?

Obviously, they answered, by His works. All good actions are from Our Lord. All bad actions are from M.

My parishioners are wise.

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5 Responses to “He is rezzin’!”

  1. Gwyneth Llewelyn Says:

    Halleluja, sister, praised be Philip! 🙂

  2. Salazar Jack Says:

    The Erase is near.

  3. Dale Innis Says:

    Praise be!

  4. LOL « Viviendo como Laila Chariot Says:

    […] 1 Julio 2010 — laila chariot He is rezzin’! Escrito en Cajón de sastre, Second Life. Deja un Comentario […]

  5. Ivy Lane Says:

    May the blessing of the All Mother forever be upon his glorious rainbow loins of creation! May the Great God Creator Philip Linden prevail over all lag!

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